This week had been quite tough. There are some good things that happened, but in general, my mood took a downwards turn. Well, it can only mean that it will only get better. Right?

After a conversation with my interim manager (for 2 years), my conclusion was that I am unable to develop myself for a Lead role despite my contributions, and that the role has not been filled for 2 years (and the earmarked person has withdrawn from the role, but IM is still keen to keep the role open for her). Anyway, post the conversation, I find it tremendously challenging to stay motivated for work. I have so much plans for the year, for what I can do. But now, I kinda think, what’s the point. I am only human.

In fact, I find it so challenging that my body reacts as well. I was so tired that I had problems waking up in the morning for work. I was just so disappointed.

IM met me for breakfast for a face to face session this Thursday. I was told that I am having a promotion. However when I calculated, the adjustment quantum was disappointing (basically it is the lowest quantum for promotion as per guideline, and I know because I was a HR Business Partner previously). Previously, I ever mentioned that if the promotion quantum is this disappointing, do a market adjustment instead – the employee will be more appreciative. Unfortunately, it happened to me now. To the bosses, it will appear that I am not appreciative, but it is only because I am just human. If they themselves have received the same treatment, they would be disappointed too. I asked the people around me if it is that I am not appreciative, most responded that they will be disappointed too.

Anyway, given the situation, I have to psycho myself that this promotion is a token of appreciation, as mentioned during the face to face session. And not to be too affected by the quantum. (And also to forget that there are colleagues who are getting annual promotion, and at least 25% of the team has gone through at least 1 round of promotion.) I am only human, but I do what I can. I am also trying very hard to appreciative and not be disappointed. I know that they can go without promoting me. Anyway, to me, it is also additional money, which is always welcomed.

My neck developed rashes that itch so bad. Currently I am reliant on steroid cream to calm the itch, otherwise I cannot sleep or will wake up due to the itch. Seen a TCM hoping for a permanent cure. Will have to see how that goes.

I met up with Mummy this week as well. I saw how friendly she was to a child. And I witnessed how a child can change the people around him/her. Auntie is taking care of a young boy, and even though he is not hers, she can only gush about him perpetually – just like how the family gushes about the Niece. I had wanted to stay away, but am so attracted to her – seeing how she grows and learn stuffs. Unfortunately it is probable that I will not be a mum this lifetime, so Mummy might never be a grandmother this lifetime as well. Sister was sweet. She mentioned that she has decided not to be human parent but only have fur and shell kids, so in a way I will not feel the heartache when I see her children. She said that she is very confident that I will dote on her human children, if she has them, but she is also very sure that I will feel pain internally.

Indeed, the pain is too real. It is not only a childhood aspiration to be a mum, or it is just part of a life stage, but I am so sure that I will be a good one who is capable of loving. While I can accept that I might never be a mother, there are still aspects which I am unable to compromise and let go. I think that maybe Husband has also given up on wanting to be a father. Maybe he does not hurt as much as I do. Maybe he does not hurt at all. Maybe I am the only one hurting so bad.

This week has been so tough. But, this week is ending. Things can only get better.